Writing this as I sit at my desk on my last official day. Kinda weird, hard to summarise almost 4 years' worth of work, but all I will say is that at least my value addition was insane because I bumped up the bottom line by quite a bit these last 2 years. I have to start packing everything at home for the move. Going to Kanpur is a weird feeling for once. It's not "I'm back for a bit". It's I'm back here permanently now.
Strangely, I don't feel very sad. Maybe because after all these years of constant moving, I've learned it's better to get attached to people because you can take them anywhere. So I guess I have always been able to leave places behind far more easily than people. Maybe the sadness will hit later; maybe it won't at all. I just know today will probably be the most interesting day I've had in years lol.
There's quite a difference between life here and life back home. But those differences are what make it worthwhile to go back. This is not me looking back and going Maybe I made the wrong decision being here, no. Being in Pune was the plan. Leaving Pune was also always part of the plan, to the point where my exit date was decided before I even arrived here in Pune. Honestly, one thing I'm very eager about is that I'll finally be able to leave this "Big City" life behind. Tried it, did it, not for me. At least not in this way.
Honestly, you'd be surprised how functional I have had to remain through the sheer chaos. I have been tearing through my content list, just going through all the shows, games, and manga I'd been postponing. Especially the games! Kagurabachi, Black Clover, Pokémon Ultra Sun, 007 First Light, Apollo Justice- I've gone through so much content these last few days.
Don't even get me started on the parties; I've basically had to socialise to my extreme limits lol. Everything from Karaoke, casual drinks, Trivia Nights, birthdays, and house parties. Been there, done it all, and did all that shit in about a week. I don't even wanna look at a bottle of alcohol or anything else *wink* *wink* for at least 2-3 weeks (Total fucking lie). I have embarrassingly little footage here, and what I do have, I'm not sharing it this publicly lmaoooo, but this time was reserved for actually spending that time with the people around.
Unfortunately, life feels so horribly incomplete rn. If you manage to find the easter egg hidden on my site, it'll take you places. You'll find out even more about me. You won't find much context, but you'll see fragments. Some people like to play FBI, and I hope that it keeps you entertained lol. Also just saying, if anyone actually finds the easter egg and follows the trail, I'll know. I won't know anything about you, just merely that you came. So don't worry. Hunt all you want. Still, that story is just a piece of a puzzle. When the other pieces combine, it feels like I'm missing an entire part of myself I could rely on for stability.
MY GYM HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH. At least it opens today, so some consolation. It'll be nice to get some of the last few workouts with the boys. I miss working out so much, plus I have like 5 gym options for Kanpur, and I need to select one that I will be a regular at lol.
But here's the big one.
Creatively, I'm doing something unusual for me: NOTHING.
No new shoots until Kanpur. No forcing myself to make something just because I technically could. I have ideas, my Notes have like 10 different concepts pinned, fully planned. They’ll still be there when I have the space to make them properly. But honestly, it's a crunch window; as much as I wanna make things, I've also been a bit disengaged with the process of it. There's just been too much on my mind all month. I won't be able to engage myself the way I want, and if I'm not locked in, I'm not gonna be able to make it as good as I want it to be. It's bad to the point where I've had footage for weeks; I haven't even opened the editor. I also know that unnecessarily stressing over the fact that there's no output from me regarding my creatives is only gonna add stress. And my creatives are art; I don't wanna produce under the pressure of deliverables. It's for me first, everyone else second.
Home itself feels different this time. There’s a five-month-old puppy waiting there that I somehow arranged for my family and still haven’t met.
Goku doesn’t know it yet, but I’m not disappearing again after a week this time. He gets me every day now.
There's a lot of uncertainty, lots of feelings in my head currently. Old people, old feelings, unanswered questions. All of it still eats me up from time to time. Maybe they'll read this and understand a bit more of my world. See me as a bit more human than they think I am.
Weirdly, I don't have a strategy for what comes next. But is it all that necessary? I've always been one to rely on my intuition more than a strategy. I don't know what comes next in every part of my life, but what's life without a lil surprise, eh? Not knowing is not always a problem. Just do the thing. Fortune favours the bold. Make that move, do that thing you desire. I know I always will because here's a little-known secret. Inhibiting your desires is the fast track to depression. I can say that after having 3 different stints before the age of 25.
Anyways, that's enough rambling for now. I don't know why I had the bright idea of treating this like a private journal, knowing full well all this shit is online for anyone to read if they know where to look. But to be fair, if you are on this website, this is probably exactly what you wanted from me.
So yeah, Pune Era is getting closed out. Kanpur era is in its final loading stages. We start Kanpur on Tuesday. Till then, stay tuned for updates. Maybe you'll hear from me before I move again, maybe as soon as I get back home. Maybe it takes weeks. Who knows, but just saying I am having way too much fun with my website, so you'll probably find little changes everywhere; the next post is never too far away.
Cya!